


Despair

by Apollos_Meatballs



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Crying, Death, Destiel - Freeform, Episode 15x18 'Despair', Episode Fix-it, Episode Spoilers, Love Confessions, M/M, What Should Have Been, great I made myself cry again, no beta we die like cass and everyone else, one last moment, spn 15x18
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-06
Updated: 2020-11-06
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:21:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27417925
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Apollos_Meatballs/pseuds/Apollos_Meatballs
Summary: Dean's point of view of that scene at the end and what should have happened...
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 13
Kudos: 159





	Despair

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't stopped crying since I watched the episode. It honestly broke me. I don't remember ever crying this much over anything. We finally got canon Destiel but... I cried again as I wrote this. This is how I think Dean was thinking and what should have happened. Thank you to J2M for bringing this amazing show to our screen and kudos to their amazing talents. I'm at a loss of words right now but all I can say is thank you to everyone who had made this show possible... Hope you like it.

It wasn’t like Dean had never came face to face with death. It had happened more times than he could count and certainly more than necessary. 

But this time if felt wrong then most. This wasn’t supposed to happen, it wasn’t supposed to come to this, damn it. The plan should’ve worked, they should have gotten rid of Chuck once and for all. This wasn’t how he saw it all go down. 

Now it was worse than he could’ve imagined. 

Billy was just outside of that door, banging to get in and kill him and Castiel. The heartache that went away a second ago took Dean’s breath again. He was going to die. For real this time. And he wasn’t even with Sam or the kid. 

Dean had always thought about death and dying and he always imagined it to be with his family. That he’d die by his family’s side so at least he wouldn’t go alone. Now, he wasn’t even going to get to say goodbye to his little brother. 

And he would be devastated, Dean knew, he had just lost Eileen, now him and Castiel. Even if there was a way to stop it, would Sam would be able to do it alone? Only with the kid? 

A dark thought entered his mind. Chuck had said screw you to them. Billie said this wasn’t her, was this Chuck’s entire end game all along? That he separate their family and kill them? That this was his fucking last screw you to them? 

Dean’s fingered squeezed the top of the chair hard. “ It was Chuck. All along,” Cass slowly walked to him. “ We should have never left Sam and Jack, we should be there with them now,” he confessed, the painful realization hitting him. 

Billie hit the door again. The strong hit made Dean realize something else. “ Everybody is going to die Cass. Everybody… I can’t stop it,” Another hit and it finally made him look at Cass. To maybe see him for the last time before Billie inevitably came in and ended them. This was his fault, his greed and his hunger to end it all. 

He wanted to be closer to him, if these were their last moments, and even though he knew he didn’t deserve it, he at least wanted to be closer, closer to … closer to family, to someone who he cared. If the rest of the family wasn’t here, Dean at least wanted to go closer to Cass. 

“ She’s going to get through that door,” he said. He knew Cass knew it, they both did, and maybe there was no point in stating the obvious but he didn’t want to stay silent in what could be their last moments. “ I know,” he replied, the most out of it Dean had seen in a while. 

“ And she’s going to kill you and then she’s going to kill me,” another hit came, and Dean knew, he freaking knew he was just stating the obvious and that he was rambling but he just didn’t want to stay silent. He needed to talk. It would be better than silence. And hearing Cass’s voice, even if it was bad, relieved him just a little bit. 

“ I am sorry,” he said. He wanted to say that, there were so many things he was sorry for, so many things he didn’t say and do when he had the goddamned time. But it was too late, too late. He couldn’t bring himself to look up to Cass. 

“ There’s… There’s one thing… One thing she’s afraid of. Just one thing, Strong enough to stop her,” Cass said, and for a brief moment, Dean felt the pressure release, like he could breath properly again. But the second he looked at Cass, he knew it wasn’t good. 

Cass took a deep breath. “ When Jack was dying, I… I made a deal. To save him.” Cass said. Dean felt like he took a bullet to the head. “ You what?” Words fell from his mouth. “ The-The price was my life. When I experienced a moment of true happiness, the Empty would be summoned, it would take me forever,” 

How, how did Cass do such a thing? Why didn’t he ever tell him? The only question Dean knew the answer to was why, it was Jack and Cass’ love for him. But the others, he had no answers and he knew he didn’t have the time to get the answers. So he asked what he could. “ Why are you telling me this now?”

Why would he tell this now when they were on the shrink of death? There was no way Dean was going to let Cass sacrifice himself for him. There was just no way. Dean had already lost too much, and he had lost Cass before, he wasn’t going to do it again. It was his fault and he wouldn’t let Cass do this for him but… If they were to die, they would do it together too. 

Another hit. “ I always wondered… Ever since… I took that burden, that curse, I wondered, what it could be? What… what my true happiness could even look like? I never found an answer. Because the one thing I want… is something I know I can’t have,” 

No, no, no, no, no. Why was Cass saying all this? Why wasn’t he just answering his question? Why did he seem so… Why did this feel like goodbye? Why did it hurt Dean so much? 

Billie hit the door again. “ But I think I know… I think I know now… Happiness isn’t in the having, it’s just being. It’s just saying it,” Cass continued. Dean took a deep breath. How could Cass be saying all of this? Wasn’t Cass happy in the few past months when they had a moment of peace? Was he never happy since the deal he made? Did he never allow himself that? And allowing himself meant that he would die, without ever having to feel it again. Dean didn’t like that. 

“ What are you talking about man?” It took everything in Dean to not let his voice shake. He hated it, all of it. Chuck, Billie and everything and everyone that led him in this moment in life. 

Cass took a few steps toward him. “ I know… I know how you see yourself, Dean. You see yourself the same way our enemies see you. You’re destructive, you’re angry and you’re broken, you’re daddy’s blunt instrument… and you think that hate and anger, that’s that’s what drives you. That’s who you are, it’s not,” 

But, but Dean was that. He was angry and destructive and broken. Billie had just said so a few minutes ago, he was the reason. He was the reason that everything happened. He only had one task, to protect Sam, and he couldn’t even do that properly. He let Sam die… more than once. He had failed, more than once. So why shouldn’t’t he believe that? After all of his fails, why shouldn’t he be angry and destructive? Everything that ever happened to him eventually broke him, how could he not have been broken? 

However Cass… his words, they made Dean want to believe. He wanted to believe he wasn’t all of that, but how could he after he pulled a gun on his own little brother just yesterday? That he was willing to let Jack die? Did he even deserve the kindness he got? He didn’t…

“ And everyone who knows you sees it. Everything you have ever done, the good and the bad you have done, for love. You raise your little brother for love, you fought for this whole world for love. That is who you are,” 

Another of Billie’s blow shook the door. Dean didn’t have it in himself to conceal it anymore. His brain couldn’t think, he couldn’t do anything. He was just listening to Cass, looking at him. He never thought that… that his actions could be… Love. Would it be enough to save them this once again? A single tear ran down from Cass’s face and Dean wanted to join him. 

“ And you’re the most caring man on Earth, you are the most selfless… loving human being I will ever know,” Dean gulped, hearing all of this was too much. He didn’t deserve it, any of it, and even though he had gotten this kindness from Cass it felt like a big fuck you from the universe that they were about to die right now. 

“ Ever since we met… Ever since I pulled you out of hell, knowing you has changed me. Because you cared, I cared. I cared about you, I cared about Sam, I cared about Jack… but I cared about the whole world. Because of you,” The door shook again and Cass was crying. Dean couldn’t move. “ You changed me Dean,”

Why… Why, why, why was Cass sounding like this? Talking in past sense, talking in definite terms. Finally saying things like that he knew Dean didn’t deserve like hearing. He, he… Dean wasn’t good at many things, violence and anger and death, that’s what he was good at. But he hoped in that moment that he was good at expressing himself, so that he could return his feelings for Cass, of what he felt now and before. He had been struggling it for so long, and this was the end, he could at least die knowing he got it out of his chest. But Cass… he acted like he had something else in his mind. 

“ Why does this sound like a goodbye?” He managed to let out. Because it couldn’t be, not yet, not yet when he hadn’t even found the courage to… What was it that Cass said? ‘ Wanting something he knew he couldn’t have?’ Wasn’t that what Dean had felt for so long… so long ever since… ever since he met Cass. That… That feeling he couldn’t explain and tried to hide…

“ Because it is,” Cass replied and Dean thought the sound of the door was a bullet in his heart. No… It couldn’t be. Not like this, no, no, no… “ I love you,” Cass said. Dean felt the breath go out of him. Those three words that he ever so imagined and somehow also dreaded… 

Could it be real? It wasn’t Chuck or some other cosmic thing fucking with him? He never imagined he would got to experience this, that it would be reality. His heart hurt, his brain was numb and his body was aching. This couldn’t be happening. 

“ I’ll do this…” Dean said, What was he going to do? Fight? When he was powerless against all of them right now? Was he promising to do what he wanted to do for so long he wanted Cass to hear it? 

He heard another sound behind him. He turned, there was blackness, a familiar blackness emerging from the wall. The Empty. No, no, no. Not now, not like this. Not when he finally got to admit something. He needed more time, fucking hell, not now, not after all he’s lost… 

Dean couldn’t see it clearly. His eyes were blurry. Was he crying? He couldn’t say, not when all of this was happening. He turned back to Cass when Billie broke through the door. There were enemies all around and if he was going to die, he at least wanted to go by looking into Cass’s eyes, the man that he loved back, the man that was his family… 

“ Cass,” he managed to say, “ Goodbye Dean,” he touched his shoulder, “ Before I go, there is something I want to do that I’ll never get to anymore… That I always wanted…” he said quietly and Dean held his breath. He was close, so close. Billie and the Empty were here. This was their last moment. 

He could hear his heart racing in his ears and the air felt absent. For a moment, there was only him and Cass in the room, no one else. They weren’t at the edge of death and everything was alright. Dean realized that was what he wanted and what he withheld from himself for all this time. That his happiness, what he wanted, was right here in in front of him all along. 

The feelings he couldn’t make sense of and the whole thing… Dean realized he hadn’t had much time, that they didn’t. 

Cass closed the gap between them. He pressed his lips against his. Dean’s whole world stopped. There was nothing special about the kiss itself. He had kissed other people even harder than that but Cass… It was Cass and this was straight out of Dean’s most dangerous and forbidden dreams. The ones he didn’t allow himself. And this wasn’t fair, he would never get to do this again and there was nothing he could do. 

Cass felt the same and he was saying goodbye. He was getting to do what he always wanted. The one thing he said he knew he could never have. But he could. Dean wanted that, he wanted that more than anything else. It was what he wanted all along too. Dean didn’t want to let him go, to get away from him… This, in that piece of moment, he could freeze and stay. 

Dean tasted tears. He didn’t know whether it was his or Cass’s. He didn’t care. He knew Cass was happy in that moment, truly happy, but he wasn’t. He was losing Cass, for good. And he couldn’t breathe. He was overwhelmed.

Then, Dean was on the floor. Cass had threw him out of the way. He was standing in the middle, Billie on his back and facing the Empty. But he was looking at Dean and he was smiling. He truly did look happy. And Dean wanted to die. 

The Empty slowly grabbed Cass and Billie. Dean tried to fight but all he could do was whimper a ‘no’. It all happened in seconds and then Cass was gone. He was staring there a second ago, his lips on Dean’s and now he was gone. Entirely and for good. 

Dean never have felt this kind of failure in his entire life as he lost his breath. The pain… he was too much. And even though he knew Cass could say… he didn’t get to say goodbye out loud. He never even got to say his feelings.

He never got the chance to tell him that he finally figured it out and that Dean Winchester, the angry, destructive, daddy’s blunt instrument, Chuck’s play thing, the broken human loved the angel Castiel back. And now, he never could.

**Author's Note:**

> It's been a few hours since I wrote this... I even have more things to add to this now that I kind of got my head together a bit more. I'm also a bit tipsy because my best friend was going through a break-up and I was crying over Destiel sooooo girls night got tense. Idk I might update with the changes but idk. Oh my Chuck, I didn't realize how truly I was emotionally invested in this show and characters... Anyway, I'll go and watch some SPN edits on Youtube and cry. Take care everyone...


End file.
